Family Relationships

My dad and I don't get along very well. He thinks he knows everything about me, and about my friends. After reading about Junior and his sexual nature I think he was right about boys. I guess he must have experienced it too. WEIRD. Sometimes I get frustrated because my dad works so much. All of the things that he has to do for work takes so much time away from his family.

My mom and I talk all of the time. I love talking to her. Sometimes I don't like hearing her advice, but talking to her is so fun. She understands that I just need to talk and she doesn't try and fix my problems like my dad does.

My parents to try and protect me though. I know the things they do for me are for my good. They support me in all of my decisions, so I guess I shouldn't complain. My siblings on the other hand, drive me crazy. Maybe it is because I am the oldest. I get along with my sister pretty well, but recently she has been bugging me.

Junior had such a great relationship with his family. He did have a hard time with the fact that his dad was an alcoholic. He hated his dad for it. His dad still stood behind him when he decided to move schools. There were two things that Junior experienced that I don't think I ever could go through. The first was that everyone on the rez knew everything about everyone. Everyone was family. I don't think I could handle that many people knowing everything about me. The second thing is DEATH. His grandmother died, and his SISTER died during his freshman year in high school. His only sister. I would have been heart broken, even if my sister does bother me sometimes. His dad's best friend even died. He said everyone died around him because of alcohol. SCARY. His dad's best friend would take him to school, and do all sorts of nice things for him. Everyone was so close on the rez. His family relationships were so interesting to hear about. It sounded like his sister was going through some of the same struggles as he was before she died.

Sexuality

I was not aware of what boys went through in regards to their sexuality. I do not relate to Junior at all. I don't get sexual urges or think about boys in a sexual way. Yeah they might be cute, but nothing more than that. Throughout his entire diary there are sexual references, almost like it is always on his mind. I had no idea that boys had to deal with that sort of thing all of the time. One friend of Junior even related reading books to getting a metaphorical boner. When he sees a hot girl he gets one. When he gets hugged by his hot guidance counselor he gets one. It seems like that is all he ever things about. I wonder if boys in my school go through that? What if that happens when they see me? That makes me uncomfortable.

Intimacy

"We held hands once in a while and we kissed once or twice, but that was it. I don't what I meant to her. I think she was bored of being the prettiest, smartest, and most popular girl in the world. She wanted to get a little crazy, you know? She wanted to get a little smudged. And I was the smudge. But, hey, I was kind of using her, too. After all. I suddenly became popular. Because Penelope had publicly declared that I was cute enough to ALMOST date, all of the other girls in the school decided that I was cute, too. Because I got to hold hands with Penelope, and kiss her good-bye when she jumped on the school bus to go home, all of the other boys in school decided that I was a major stud."

Is this kid of intimacy even real? I don't think this is a romantic relationship. I mean throughout the book they get closer, and each of them know each other's secrets. They have some type of intimacy, but I don't think they love each other romantically. My boyfriend and I are a lot more than that. We talk and understand each other in more ways than one. Being physical doesn't mean anything if you aren't learning about one another. It just doesn't seem like they even care about the real relationship. Only dating someone for popularity or to make your dad mad is not intimacy. It's pseudo-intimacy for sure.

How This Works

I am going to try my best to act like an adolescent who is reading this book. I am also going to try to put in some real feelings I had when I was an adolescent. I'm having a hard time because I have totally different reactions to this book now than I would have had as an adolescent. So, some is fact, and some is fiction. However, I do my best to display the themes of adolescence that are presented in the book.

Identity

Arnold/Junior is often trying to figure out who he is. I go through that. I think everyone goes through that their whole life. When he is on the rez he is Junior, and when he is at Reardan he is Arnold. He is not sure how he is supposed to fit in with an all-white peer group. Sometimes I don't know who I am at church, at school, with my family, etc. I feel like I have to act different in front of different people. Junior struggles with his identity through the whole book.

He talks a lot about his dreams. Sometimes I dream that I can go to school and graduate from college. Sometimes I even dream that I can play softball in college. Sometimes those dreams are crushed by the expectations of others. Here is the example from Junior's diary of what he wants and what is wanted for him.

"Indian boys weren't supposed to dream like that. And while girls from small towns weren't supposed to dream big, either.
"We were supposed to be happy with our limitations. But there was no way Penelope and I were going to sit still. Nope, we both wanted to fly."

I can see that they are trying to figure our if they were going to foreclose on their identity or if they were going to go into moratorium. Most of the people around them seemed to be in the foreclosure stage, and they did not want that for themselves. Do I want to just go and be a mom for my whole life? I don't know. Maybe I want to design houses or teach high school math. I'm not sure but I guess I have to figure it out.

At one point, Junior is not sure who he is or if he is supposed to live up to expectations. He is struggling with his self-esteem. I have felt the same way Junior did when I went into high school.

For Example: "I'd always been the lowest Indian on the reservation totem pole--I wasn't expected to be good so I wasn't. But in Reardan, my coach and the other players wanted me to be good. They needed me to be good. They expected me to be good. And so I became good. I wanted to live up to expectations. I guess that's what it comes down to. The power of expectations. And as they expected more of me, I expected more of myself, and it just grew and grew until I was scoring twelve points a game."

This kinda describes the looking glass self. How as an adolescent we see ourselves as others see us. We judge ourselves by our skills, grades, or by comparison. Who am I? Am I loud like everyone says I am? Sometimes I feel nervous and afraid, but people say that I'm not afraid of anything. I am afraid, for some reason I just hide it well. I'm not confident. I'm not good at talking to people. I just do it because I have to in order to get along in this world. Sometimes I wish people would know how I really feel. But then again, that might be a bad idea too. :)